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| Posted by Stefanie D. Fischer on 09-Aug-2005 | With Best FriendA guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender brings it to him and asks "Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps".
The guy says "Well, I've suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!"
"Wow, that must have been hard!" the bartender says "What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?"
The guy at the bar replies "Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!"
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| Posted by Richard L. Dowson on 09-Aug-2005 | Oceans of BeerTwo guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.
After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I'm burned out." You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here, so make it a good one."
The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.
"Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat!"
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| Posted by John D on 09-Aug-2005 | Milking The CowsA young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.
The young man said "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says " it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"
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| Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 09-Aug-2005 | Got HAGSA man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.
"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me" says the man.
"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
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| Posted by Fiona L. Holliday on 09-Aug-2005 | Botched VasectomyA man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."
"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.
"But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant."
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| Posted by Ally on 09-Aug-2005 | Switching HeadsThis woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
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