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| Posted by MamasGirL Angel on 09-Aug-2005 | Witness to an AccidentA witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
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| Posted by Miss Who on 09-Aug-2005 | Wal-Mart ClerkA woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it" He walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
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| Posted by Pyrochic on 09-Aug-2005 | Jelly in the MorningThere was a married couple in their living room, watching television. Suddenly the guy got the urge to have a hot 69 with his wife, "Hey, baby," he said, "How 'bout I take you to the room and we go down on each other?"
"No..."
she replies, "I'm having my period."
"I don't care let's do it anyway."
the guy replied.
"Ewww... okay."
She said, "But what if someone comes to the door."
"I'll just tell them I was eating a jelly sandwich and that I'm a messy guy."
So they go in the room and they're going at it hardcore, when the doorbell rings. The guy looks up, and he decides to leave it. The door bell rings again, and a third time. The man finally gets up and opens the door and it's a Fed Ex mail carrier.
"I have a package for you."
The mail carrier said looking at the guy in a weird way.
"Okay, I'll sign for it."
"What's the matter with your face?"
The mail carrier asked.
"I was eating a jelly sandwich."
The guy replied.
"Yeah? Well, you got some peanut butter on your nose."
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| Posted by Ross Monkey on 09-Aug-2005 | Monica's Dry CleanOne day monica lewinsky walked into a dry cleaners to get her blue dress cleaned because it had a stain on it. She said to the employee "I want this stain taken out of the dress the employee of the store was of japanese decent and didn't understand her so he said "come again?"
to which Monica replied "NO!, its white-out!!!"
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| Posted by Crazy Girl on 09-Aug-2005 | oops!A guy farted oops!
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| Posted by cuttaholic on 09-Aug-2005 | The FarterThere was this lady (who was a butcher) whose husband always farted really loud at night! She hated it because they stunk so badly! So one night she told her husband that if he kept farting like that at night, then his guts would come out. He didn't believe her but she told him, "Honey, I'm a butcher. I should know."
But he still wouldn't listen to her. So that night she went to her butcher shop and got a big chunk of raw pig guts. When she got home she stuck it in her husbands pants. And of course, he farted really loudly as usual. The next morning when they woke up her husband went to the bathroom. He was in there for a pretty long time so his wife said to him, "Honey, is everything okay. You've been in there for a while."
He replied, "Yeah, everything's fine."
5 minutes later he finally came out of the bathroom. His wife asked him, "So did your guts come out like I said they would?"
He replied, "Yep, but being the smart person I am, I took two fingers and stuck them right back up there!"
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