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():sex jokes (1888): Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men's Response) |
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| Posted by TAISHA on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men's Response)Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls! If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
Man's reply to Woman's B. J. Etiquette
1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. if you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it & be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won't have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth...because you won't have any.
6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.
7. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.
8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the sh*t end of the stick in flavor country.
10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth
11. Play with the balls
12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.
14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.
15. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
16. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?
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| Posted by Siemen on 14-Aug-2005 | A Little Lovin'A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"
"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.
"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.
His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a fuckin' microwave?"
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():sex jokes (1888): You Know You're a Whore When... |
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| Posted by Sumeet Patel on 14-Aug-2005 | You Know You're a Whore When...
1. You've slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won't kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy (tm) a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself...just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say "Ho, Ho, Ho" and it's July.
11. When you don't know "What's his name?"
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but......like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
21. When they call you "Shazam" and they don't mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on you shoulders.
23. When getting dresses is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is "2 Days, 2 Pounds...$2.90."
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, your afraid to yell "Fore (four)."
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying "open at night".
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven't seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is "next please".
41. You know all the people in "America's Most Wanted".
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone...but who?
45. When everyone is refers to you as "dear" and "honey".
46. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.
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| Posted by punkprincess7546 on 14-Aug-2005 | Homeless GirlAn elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, "Please don't call the police, mister, oh please!! If you don't, I'll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!"
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, young lady...but it's no use," he gasped. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the police after all."
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():sex jokes (1888): What Do You Want for Breakfast |
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| Posted by Yum Yum on 14-Aug-2005 | What Do You Want for BreakfastA woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee".
He declines, "It's the Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At lunch time she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"
Again he declines. "No thanks. It's the Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".
At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"
Once more he declines, "Again, thanks, but it's the Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well then," she replies, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
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| Posted by Aimee C. Goldberg on 14-Aug-2005 | After SexA man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"
The dad asked him, "Before or after sex?"
"Ummm, before sex," the kid replied.
The dad said, "Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?"
"Yeah," said the son. "Well, what about after sex?"
His dad replied, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
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