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| Posted by Josh Price on 14-Aug-2005 | Womanly EtiquetteThe following is from an actual 1950s home economics textbook
intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for
married life.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have
a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know
that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about
his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the
prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon
in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot
of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more
interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part
of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up
school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the
tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest
and order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the
children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair,
and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all
noise of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DONT'S: Don't greet him with problems or complaints.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor
compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable
chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm
drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off
his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice.
Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but
the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you
out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try
to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to
be home and relax.
10. The Goal: try to make your home a place of peace and order
where your husband can relax.
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| Posted by bob pope on 14-Aug-2005 | Woman vs. TerroristWhat is the difference between a woman and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
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| Posted by Ashley E. Volling on 14-Aug-2005 | Chicken or the Egg?A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on it's face and the egg is
frowning and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters to no-one in
particular, "I guess we answered THAT question."
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| Posted by Stephen G. O'Connor on 14-Aug-2005 | The Pickle and the TomatoOne day the Pickle was talking to the tomato. He said that
every time he got big and juicy he was sliced seasoned and put
in a jar. The tomato said he had it worse, every time he got
big and juicy he got sliced, diced and put into salad.
Meanwhile the Penis overheard the tomato and the pickle talking
so he walked over. He said he had it the worst. Every time he
got big and juicy he would get put in a big stinky room and had
to do pushups until he threw up.
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| Posted by Nady on 14-Aug-2005 | Nice DinnerA female's version of a nice dinner:
1. He pickes you up in his car.
2. You go to a movie that you wanted to see forever.
3. You go over to his house, and have a goof candle light dinner
that he cooked, and then he cleaned up.
4. You rent a major chick flick movie, and watch it with him,
cuddling on the couch.
5. He drives you home.
6. Walks you to the door, you give his a sweet little peck, and
go in the house.
7. He leaves, and goes home.
===================================================
A male's version of a nice dinner:
1. After he pickes you up in a car, you go to a movie.
2. You make out in the movie theater.
3. You go to his house, eat pizza, have sex on the table after
you eat.
4. You rent a movie, and watch it.
5. During the movie, you have sex on the couch.
6. He drives you home, you have sex in the car.
7. You walk to the porch, have sex on the porch.
8. Both of you go into her house, and have sex on her bed.
9. Then you have sex with her parents.
10. After you got home, you have sex with yourself on the table,
the couch, and the bed.
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| Posted by Father Ted on 14-Aug-2005 | Harsh Things To Say To A Naked Guy- Ahhhh, it's cute.
- Why don't we just cuddle?
- You know they have surgery to fix that.
- Can I paint a smiley face on it?
- Wow, and your feet are so big.
- Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
- Oh no...a flash headache.
- (giggle and point)
- Can I be honest with you?
- This explains your car.
- Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
- Why is God punishing me?
- At least this won't take long.
- I never saw one like that before.
- But it still works, right?
- Maybe it looks better in natural light.
- Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
- Are you cold?
- If you get me real drunk first.
- Is that an optical illusion?
- What is that?
- It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
- So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
- I guess this makes me the early bird.
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