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| Posted by Lucille's Balls on 09-Aug-2005 | Woman's gardenA woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,
"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"
Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."
Well, what the hell? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.
"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Carl J. Schirwing on 09-Aug-2005 | All for freeIt was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Submitted by Calamjo
EDited by Curtis
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| Posted by Martin Riggs on 09-Aug-2005 | I'm hurtA woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.
They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.
There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital.
Her friend visits her the next day and asks "Are you hurt?"
She replies. "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called, or even written!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Belle on 09-Aug-2005 | Putting out the catYou don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.
She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver veered off the road and hit a parked car.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Matt P on 09-Aug-2005 | PromotionThere are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so competent he's not sure which to choose.
So he devises a little test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places ??800 on each of their desks.
The first one returns it to him immediately.
The second one invests in the market and returns ??1500 to him the next morning.
The third one pockets the money.
Who got the promotion?
The one with the big boobs!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Nikki on 09-Aug-2005 | SpotA young man finally agrees to meet the parents of the young woman he's been dating.
But by the time he gets to their house, his nerves have put him in a state of gastric distress.
The problem develops into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through dinner he realizes he can't hold it in a second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escapes.
"Spot!" the girlfriend's mother calls to the family dog, who is lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved that the dog took the blame, he lets a slightly larger one slip out.
"Spot!" she calls sharply. The young man thinks he's got it made and decides to let a big one go, which he believes will put an end to his problem.
"Spot!!!" shrieks the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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