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| Posted by Rebecca A. Detrich on 11-Aug-2005 | Woman's Guide to Men"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"I've gotta pee" = Get out of the way.
"I've gotta GO" = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Can I get your coat?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Let me get your door." = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why are you making such a big deal out of this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Good morning." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"See you later." = That was great sex......let's have more!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!
"Let's talk."= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
"Will you marry me?" = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these "talks"
While shopping:
"Yes, that one's nice" = Why do you ask when you aren't going to listen anyway?
"That one looks great on you" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"Uh huh" = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am gay.
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| Posted by Dee Dawg on 11-Aug-2005 | What Men Say ... What Men Mean"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means.... "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means.... "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means.... "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...."If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...."Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means.... "She dumped me."
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| Posted by Ray Lundell on 11-Aug-2005 | What Women Say/What Women MeanWhat women say... ...What they mean...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't we just be friends? There is no way in hell I am going
to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I just need some space ...without you in it
Can you help me with my homework? If I keep whining, the fool will do
it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress? We haven't had a fight in a while
No, pizza's fine Cheap bastard
I just do not want a boyfriend now I just do not want (you as a) boy-
friend now
I don't know; what do you want to I can't believe that you have
do? nothing planned
Come here My puppy does this too
I like you but... I don't like you
You never listen You never listen
We're moving too quickly I am not going to sleep with you
until I find out if this guy in Bio
has a girlfriend
I'll be ready in a minute I AM ready, but I am going to make
you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself I am just being nice; there is no
way I am going dutch
Oh Yes! Right there Well, near there; I just want to get
this over with
I'm just going out with the girls We are gonna get sloppy and make
fun of you and your freinds
There's no one else I am doing your brother
Size doesn't count... unless I want an orgasm
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():gender jokes (1878): HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET |
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| Posted by John Doe on 11-Aug-2005 | HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEETMATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Very effective cleaning agent.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
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():gender jokes (1878): HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET |
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| Posted by Jack B. Quick on 11-Aug-2005 | HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEETMATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
MEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS
ELEMENT: MAN
ATOMIC WEIGHT: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs
SYMBOL: EGO
DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.
OCCURANCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars". Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic & Common Sense.
3) Melts if treated like a God.
4) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
5) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
6) Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to small quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.
2) May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.
3) Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.
4) When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
5) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
6) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
7) Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
9) Is impervious to embarrassment.
10) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.
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| Posted by Dot57 on 11-Aug-2005 | The 9 Types of BoyfriendsJoe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to
hell. Let's stay home and watch TV." Also known as:
Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket,
Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova,
Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag
of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
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