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| Posted by Curtis Hogan on 14-Aug-2005 | Women BashingWhy did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.
Why are hangovers better than women?
Hangovers will go away.
What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".
Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to
improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25
year old doesn't?
Her navel.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.
What's a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.
Why do women have periods?
They deserve them.
Why did God make man first?
He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what
have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.
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| Posted by Miss Who on 14-Aug-2005 | Guaranteed to Get You Slapped !!!1. Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true
love?
The swallow
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole
week..!]
8. How many male sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9. Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator..
10. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
11. How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
12. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
13. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
14. How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
15. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
16. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps
with everyone at the party except you.
17. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing
off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
18. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
19. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
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| Posted by Brenda Willing on 14-Aug-2005 | Understanding womenI know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand
how they can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip
the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
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| Posted by Jim Neill on 14-Aug-2005 | Buying Gifts for MenRule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if
he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet
to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless
drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the
word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words.
"Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are
you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows
why.
Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to
hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars.
No one knows why.
Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear
bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they
have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a
big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him
go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within
a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
"Socks" "Shorts" "Cups" "Saucers" "Door" "Lock" "Sink"... You
get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #7:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have
parts left over. No one knows why.
Rule #8:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane
tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The
challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #9:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century
Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #10:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw.
If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens
when he gets a label maker.
Rule #11:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be
an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #12:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins,
or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred
feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
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| Posted by Maryanne on 14-Aug-2005 | What Women Say & What They MeanCan't we just be friends?
There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your body
touch mine, again.
I just need some space
...without you in it.
Can you help me with my homework?
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
Do I look fat in this dress?
We haven't had a fight in a whlile.
No, pizza's fine.
Cheap bastard.
I just don't want a boyfriend now
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I don't know; what do you want?
I can't believe you don't have anything planned.
Come here
My puppy does this too.
I like you but...
I don't like you.
You never listen.
You never listen.
We're moving too quickly
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if the guy with the
convertible has a g/f.
I'll be ready in a minute.
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
Oh, no, I will pay for myself.
I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch.
Oh Yes! Right there.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'm just going out with the girls.
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
There's no one else.
I am doing your brother.
Size doesn't count...
...unless I want an orgasm.
You are so nice!
You are such a wimp I could never be sexually attracted to you.
Do you love me?
Do you love me more than my husband?
Oh, these flowers are beautiful.
Can I help you spell J-E-W-E-L-R-Y?
What did you do today?
You better have a damn good reason for not calling.
We should pick it out together.
I'll choose.
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog and HumanHow Dogs and Men Are Alike
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about the vacuum cleaner.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Neither understands what you see in cats.
5. Both want dominance.
6. Both do dishes by licking them clean.
7. Both chase cars.
8. The larger ones tend to drool.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
How Dogs are Better Than Men
1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3. You can train a Dog.
4. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
5. Dogs understand what "NO" means.
6. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
7. When dogs play "fetch," they don't laugh at how you throw.
8. Dogs are color blind.
9. Dogs understand if some of their friends aren't allowed to
come inside.
How Dogs are Better Than Women
1. Dogs like beer
2. Dogs don't hate their bodies.
3. Dogs don't criticize.
4. Dogs never expect gifts.
5. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever
had.
6. Dogs don't let a magazine article guide their lives.
7. You never have to wait for a dog--they are ready to go 24
hours a day.
8. Dogs don't cry.
9. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
10. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
11. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late --
the later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
12. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
13. Gods find you amusing when you are drunk.
14. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
15. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dogs name.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
17. A dog's parents never visit.
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