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| Posted by Emz on 14-Aug-2005 | Wrong holeOne day this man went to Japan. He was with his buddy and his
buddies' girlfriend and he was getting alittle jealous cause he
didn't have a gurl to hang out with. So, he talked to his buddy
about it, and his buddy got him hooked up with a prostitute. She
couldn't speak english, but the gut was like "What the hell!, At
least i'm still getttin' sum!" So the next night he was in the
back of one of the bandwagons fucking her. She kept on screaming
"VIA NO PEEA! VIA NO PEEA!" Now, this guy new nothing about
Japenese, so he figured she was just having this MAJOR orgasm.
The next day, the guy was out playing gulf with his buddy. His
buddy swung the golf club, and hit the ball through a hole in
the tree. He was very frustrated, and started talking in
Japanese. "VIA NO PEEA!" Now, the man reconized that phrase, so
he asked his buddy what it meant. His buddy looked at him and
said "wrong hole".
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| Posted by Aleksandar Pavlovic on 14-Aug-2005 | Making SandwichesAfter going out with his girlfriend for a month, Dave decided he
wanted to sleep with her. Unfortunately he still had to share a
room with his 9 year old brother Jonny. One night, he waited for
Jonny to fall asleep then he rang his girlfriend and asked her
to come over. Quietly they climbed onto the top bunk of the
boys' bed and started to get undressed. After a few moments,
Dave realised that they would have to make up some sort of code
for what they wanted each other to do if they didn't want Jonny
to hear them. Eventually they settled for "Lettuce" meaning
Harder, and "Tomato" meaning Change Position. Soon they began to
get into a rhythm.
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
LETTUCE!
LETTUCE!
TOMATO!
OH WAIT! PULL IT OUT, PULL IT OUT!
I CAN'T GET PREGNANT!
Then suddenly quick as a flash, Jonny sat up and screamed at
them, "Can you two PLEASE stop making sandwiches?! You're
getting mayonaise all over my face!"
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| Posted by pager on 14-Aug-2005 | Dinner at Boyfriends houseCara was very excited abut going to her bf's house for dinner,
although the night she had to go she got very ill. She still
went.
In the middle of dinner she excused herself to go to the
bathroom, so she went upstairs. closed the door, and she
couldn't stop going!!
When she was done it was so big the toilet couldn't flush!!
So she picked it up with her hands and threw it out the window.
After washing her hands for a full 10 min. she went back
downstairs.
Everybody was staring at her, and she asked what happened?
Her boyfriend pointed up...her waste fell onto the skylight.
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():love jokes (2491): How to live Happily Ever After |
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| Posted by Mike P. Whoopi on 14-Aug-2005 | How to live Happily Ever After For all you aspiring knights in shining armor and beautiful
damsel wannabees, if you would like to achive the fabled Happily
Ever After in your life, just follow these simple instructions.
~For guys looking for a girl~
1) Buy the fanciest, shiniest armor money can buy. If it's not
white, spray-paint it. Ditto for a valiant steed.
2) Look for the ugliest fortuneteller on the block, and ask
where the nearest maiden is.
3) Snore through her 15 minute fairytale, and head off in any
direction.
4) Look for any lone tower that was built in the middle of
nowhere for no known purpose whatsoever.
5) Rescue the maiden by paying off the resident dragon to fake
his death.
6) Seek out some contraceptives after you bring her home.
~For girls looking for a guy~
1) Buy the fanciest, softest dress money can buy. If it's not
white, dye it.
2) Go to the ugliest fortuneteller on the block and ask for
beauty tips. Do the opposite of what she instructs.
3) Have a single tower get built in the middle of nowhere.
4) Make yourself appear to be in distress by paying off the
resident dragon to guard you while you practice sleeping so
you appear to be under a spell.
5) Do not, and I repeat do not, make any sudden moves until
AFTER your valiant knight kisses you.
6) After he takes you to his home, threaten him that if he
would like you to remain a beautiful maiden, that he ought to
search for some contraceptives.
If you follow these quick and easy steps, you will be well
on your way to living Happily Ever After.
Sincerely,
The resident dragon.
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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Dear Tech SupportTech Support'
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to
the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewellery
applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable
programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no
avail.
--Desperate
***
Dear Desperate,
Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install
Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse
can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour
7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly"
wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will
crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
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| Posted by Amy M. Poh on 14-Aug-2005 | scopeA guy needed a new scope for his shotgun so he went to a shop
and asked the guy if he could buy a scope
the guy said yes we sell them so then the guy said this is the
best scope he said you could see my house from
here and the guy said why is there a naked man and woman running
around your house the clerk said let me
take a look and he gave the guy two bullets and said i want you
to shoot off the guys dick and my wifes
head so then the guy looked through the scope and said i think i
can do that in one shot
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